Mentor Sentence Monday: The Incredible Journey

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When I was in 5th grade, one of my favorite books was The Incredible Journey by Sheila Burnford. I remember wanting to read the book because one the characters was a Siamese cat. Burnford's descriptions of the characters are filled with lengthy sentences with multiple commas and semi-colons. Admittedly, I've never felt very confident about teaching young writers to use semi-colons but with Burnford's words as a model, it seems a little easier. Her detailed descriptions of the animal characters are great snippets for teaching snapshots.

The following sentences are from Burnford's The Incredible Journey, page 4:

On the floor, his scarred, bony head resting on one of the man's feet, lay an old white English bull terrier. His slanted almond-shaped eyes, sunk deep within their pinkish rims, were closed; one large triangular ear caught the firelight, flushing the inside a delicate pink, so that it appeared almost translucent.

I generated the following sentences using Burnford's words as a model:

On the bed, his plump, wide head resting on one of the woman's feet, lay an orange domestic short hair. His yellow-green eyes, half-closed within their furry rims, were glowing; one triangular ear caught the sunlight, making the hairs inside glisten.