One Literacy Coach: He is a Dog

Here is more form poetry from http://ettcweb.lr.k12.nj.us/forms/newpoem.htm. I like to show kids my poem revisions side-by-side when I teach poetry. It focuses the discussion on craft and the decisions that writers make. These are my three revisions of an I Am An Amimal Poem.

First Draft

I am a dog
Brownish as a caramel candy
I chase the birds that pick food from my bowl
I doze in the afternoon
I can bark when you walk by my fence
I can wiggle all over when you pat my head
I am a dog

Second Draft

I am a dog,

buttery brown like caramel candy.

Chasing the birds that pick food from my bowl
Dozing in the afternoon
Barking when you walk by my fence
Wiggling my tail stub when you pat my head

I am a dog,

buttery brown like caramel candy.

Third Draft

He is a dog,

buttery brown,

like caramel candy.

Chasing the birds that pick food from his bowl,
Dozing in the afternoon,
Barking when I walk by his fence,
Wiggling his stub tail when I pat his head.

He was a dog,

buttery brown,

like caramel candy.

12 comments:

Wanda BrownMarch 31, 2011 at 5:58 AM
He is a caramel colored canine
Who is so loved by his owner
She creates poetry about him
On her last day of the
Slice of Life Challenge

Thanks for all your slices, I have enjoyed them.
Wanda BrownMarch 31, 2011 at 5:59 AM
He is a caramel colored canine
Who is so loved by his owner
She creates poetry about him
On her last day of the
Slice of Life Challenge

Thanks for all your slices, I have enjoyed them.
Kevin HodgsonMarch 31, 2011 at 6:11 AM
I love that you shared the drafts, and we can see the poem developing (as can your students). I am not sure enough of us do that with our students -- show the start and then the finish and everything in-between.
Kevin
Deb DayMarch 31, 2011 at 7:54 AM
Nice job Diana. I really like that you show kids all the revisions. I think sometimes they believe all "professional writing comes out perfect. This is a great way to show them what goes on.
AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 9:07 AM
I'm glad you are writing with your students, sharing your drafts, your process with them. I'm even more glad that you are sharing your work with the rest of us. You are a treasure.
Ruth
TamMarch 31, 2011 at 10:55 AM
Wonderful modeling! I love, love the 3rd draft when you mention "He was a dog" with his buttery and caramel color. The poem went from just a poem to true emotion.
LetterpressMarch 31, 2011 at 7:18 PM
That idea--of showing the students the drafts and how they come about--is always fascinating to me. Even one word can be such a huge change of meaning, of nuance and of color/tone in a poem. I used to like reading the writers interviews in the Paris Review because often they would speak about revision--always helpful for me.

Thanks for all the comments you've put on my posts--I appreciate the time you took, and the nice comments. See you next year!

Elizabeth E.
http://peninkpaper.blogspot.com/
Linda BMarch 31, 2011 at 7:42 PM
Great idea, then do you talk through the different drafts & the decisions that made you change, or the choices you need to make in order to say "I'm going with this draft", as in point of view, etc.? I love the changes of caramel colored-'buttery brown"- Terrific.
TaraMarch 31, 2011 at 8:18 PM
This resonated with me on so many levels - the beloved dog, the task of sketching an idea and then bringing it to life (which is writing), and the gift of sharing (which is what writing is really about). I look forward to keeping up with your blog!
Donna SmithMarch 31, 2011 at 8:23 PM
Love it. I've enjoyed reading your slices! Hope to hear more on Tuesdays!
AnonymousMarch 31, 2011 at 10:16 PM
Beautiful! I like your revision idea. I will do that with my kids! Thanks
Christy Rush-LevineMarch 31, 2011 at 10:32 PM
Your revision of the ending is so powerful. I can see where that ending took three drafts to emerge. Love it.